Thursday, November 7, 2013

A Confident Heart Chapter 6

When God whispers "I'm not good enough"

Wow, what an eye opening chapter. It reminded me of a lot of my past failed relationships. While I had not forgotten about the way I was treated and felt in these relationships, I had them pushed and hidden away because they hurt so much. I truly think that God wanted to work on those past hurts through this chapter.

One boyfriend made me feel like I was never thin enough. He would tell me that I needed to wrap my waist up in plastic wrap to help suck in my belly and burn the "fat" faster. At this time in my life I weighted 125 lbs. That is 20 lbs under weight. I was in a size 6. Of course now I am 30 lbs over weight, but I am happy and the hubby doesn't care about my weight. He knows he has to loose weight too.

Another boyfriend cheated on me for one year of our two year relationship. This hurt a ton. He made me feel like I was not good enough to be with or love. I kept wondering what I did to cause him to cheat. This relationship took a long time to get over. I know now that the problem was not with me but with him.

The relationship that has the most hurt and emotion to it is one that will never leave me. No, it is not with my husband. It is with my daughters father. We will always have a connection to each other through her. He also cheated on me. Again this opened up wounds and wonder of what I did wrong to deserve to be treated like that. He always made me feel worthless, not worthy of being a good mother or proper wife.

I remember this one time how he criticized me and the way I made tuna sandwiches. All I did was make them the way I have always made them growing up. But because the sandwich was not made "his way", it was gross and my fault for him not having something to eat for lunch that day. He even mentioned something along the lines of how do I expect to be a good and proper wife if I couldn't even make a good tuna sandwich. I know that this sounds like a little petty thing, but it was the start of a long emotional abuse. Every now and then when I talk to him, he still does it, but I just let it roll off my shoulders. I don't care because I am with someone who loves me and the way I am.

The thing that finally opened up my eyes to the way he was treating me is when I had a miscarriage. He didn't care at all. He was rather happy that this child would not be. It hurt to loose my baby before I even got to know him or her, but what hurt more is the way he treated me. I kept a journal at this time and wrote down every emotion I felt at that time. I found it a few years ago when we were moving up here to NH. I read it and then threw it away. I do believe that God took my child home to him because I was in a bad way and couldn't deal with another child at the time. I know I will see this child one day. I left him shortly after this and never looked back.

To this day, I am always wondering if I am being a good and proper wife. In fact just the other night, while I was buttering up some bread to go with the homemade chicken noodle soup I made, I told my husband that I am trying to be a good wife for him. He told me that I am doing a wonderful job. Of course this made me happy, but deep down inside, I still wonder if I am good enough.

For example, when my RA and Fibro flare up, I have a hard time doing anything. I will skip my shower because it wears me out so much that I need to take a nap after. I will skip doing the dishes because I can hardly hold a dish. Sometimes I will have the hubby bring supper home. Because of my auto immune diseases, I feel lazy and am ashamed that I did nothing around the house while my hubby worked so hard for our family. I feel like a failure as a wife.

Thankfully my husband is living up to the "through sickness and health" part of our vows. He knows I have my bad days, so he does what he can to support me. All he said he wants from me is a hot meal when he gets home from work. He doesn't care that I didn't pick up the living room or did the dishes. He wants me to rest and allow the flare to die down.

This weeks blog topic that I chose was to talk about what area of my life I struggle with the most and write myself a letter to remind myself that I am good enough. As you can tell from this post, that struggle is with being a good and proper wife. Writing this letter was very hard and took sometime to do.

My Dearest Heather,

I am here to remind you that God is always here for you. He wants you to use your past issues to help you to heal and learn from. You are worthy of being a proper wife and mother, and a person in general. You left these relationships for good reasons. God helped you to leave and supported you through them. He gave you your life partner to love you and respect you the way you deserve. He found your soul mate that will be with you through thick and thin. Continue to listen to him and you will have the life you deserve and know that no matter what, you are perfect just the way you are.

This week I had a little friend cuddling with me while I read. Abby is getting so big and sure does have a personality. She is my baby and keeps me on my toes with all the things she does. She is always helping me heal and when my joints are hurting, she tries her best to "heal" me. I woke up the other day with her on my left shoulder, purring away. That shoulder had been flaring for a few days. Either she knew it was hurting or she wanted a warm place to warm up. That shoulder sure was hot to the touch.


  1. I totally clicked on this blog because there was a cat in the picture!!! Your kitty is adorable :) Pets can be so reassuring and helpful in times of need, and they always know when something is wrong!!! Such a blessing :) Thank you so much for this post, and for pouring out your story and emotions. You have been through a lot, and your letter to yourself made me cry! It's awesome that you have turned a lot of incredibly tough situations into a beautiful life, and a beautiful story. Thank you for the reminder that God is always with us, and uses everything for good. God bless!!! :)

  2. Heather....God loves you so Psalm 139:13-14 ESV God's Word says...."For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." You are fearfully and wonderfully made, Heather! Abundant Blessings as you rest and heal and have your kitty there to be near you when you don't feel well. ~Stacey

  3. I love this, Heather! I was just diagnosed with lupus - and I can completely relate to your RA and Fibro struggles. Thank you for this beautiful post and the reminder of the FM promises that God gave us through His Word. Keep up your great work!

  4. Thank you for pouring out your heart Heather. Bless you. I know how some of that pain is, but most of the time I am able to do everything with advil. You have been through alot but it sounds like God has brought you to a wonderful, caring husband which you deserve. Let the past go and live in today and you only have one person to please - your Father. Thank you for sharing. Debbie W. (OBS Facebook Group Leader)

  5. Thank you for all the uplifting and wonderful words from everyone. I truly appreciate them.


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