A Confident Heart ~ Chapters 10 & 11

I can't believe this is the last week of our study for A Confident Heart. It was my first Bible study to do since following Christ again. I have truly enjoyed it and look forward to the next study in January. Until that one starts up, I will be doing a short study on prayer by myself.

Chapter 10 was probably my favorite chapter. It screamed out to me. Not following God consistently. I still struggle daily with following my path. Satan wants me to fall off my new path and go back to him. I want nothing more to do with that path. Reading this chapter let me know that I am not the only one that struggles with staying constant.

Chapter 11 was a pretty good one as well. It made me think about what kind of woman I want to be. I want to be a good helpmeet for my husband, a good mom for my son. It has been a struggle this past month, but I know I am different and have started to change for the better. I mentioned to my husband that ever since my grandmother died, I have been reading the Bible daily. He noticed but didn't say anything. He was raiseed Catholic and has always wanted our son to have some religion in his life. We have talked about trying out the Baptist church at the end of our street.

For this weeks blog hop, I have chosen to write a letter to the author, Renee Swope.

Dear Renee,

You have no idea how much I have truly enjoyed and felt lead to your book and this study. I had spent the last 20 years following a Pagan path after a bad episode at the church I grew up in. This past year, my Meme (grandmother) passed. I was very close to her and I took her death very hard. Ever since her death, it was like a door opened up and my mind was changing. I stopped following my Pagan ways and turned my heart back to Christ.

Just a month after I started to follow Christ again, I found this study. I was a very scared, unsure woman, not knowing if I was making the right choices in my life as well as in my families life.

As I went through the study, I have noticed a change in me. I have more secure in the path that I have chosen and have even told my mom and step-father (who is an ordained minister). They were and still are very happy and proud of me. I am different in the way that I parent, not as much as a push over with my son. I actually carry through in the punishments.

I have noticed a change in my relationship with my husband. I am more happy and am a better wife. I now pray about things before doing them. I need to make sure they are warranted before I follow through with them. Trusting my husband more and trusting God more has helped me a ton.

I want to thank you for this book and to all the ladies at P31 Ministries for putting on this study. I can't wait for the next study so that I can further my relationship with Christ.

With much love,
Heather

A Confident Heart ~ Chapter 9

When Doubt Whispers "I Can't Stop Worrying"


I swear this chapter was written about me. I worry about everything. Finances, being a good wife and mom, if I am raising my son good enough, and so on. I worry about things that I can not control as well. Like if my car is going to breakdown when I am not near home (has happened before so now I worry about it happening again).

I am still working through the chapter, and have been taking soo many notes in my journal for this study. I love the acronym that Renee uses to for what worry stands for:

Worry Only Robs Rest from You

That it does. There are times that I can not fall asleep because my mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts. I am hoping that once I am done with this chapter and read the other blogs in our hop, that I can stop worrying so much over things that I can not control. It is driving me bonkers now. At times I feel like a chicken with its head cut off.

On to this weeks blog hop topic.

A Setting For Two ~

I have enjoyed curling up on my sofa to have some alone time with Christ. Right now our Christmas tree is up, so to look at the pretty lights and all our ornaments that have meaning, makes it easier for me to think of Jesus. I am most comfortable here mostly because I am not moving around in pain so much.

In the warm months, I have enjoyed curling up in my garden. Something about looking around the yard and seeing everything growing that makes you smile and think of what Christ has done to help you feel your family. Yes sitting in the plastic outdoor chairs is uncomfortable and the sun bothers me and hurts my eyes, but I enjoy looking at my garden growing, listening to the birds fighting over the feeders we provide for them and smelling the fresh cut hay. Makes me wish that it was spring and summer here now. hehe

A Confident Heart ~ Chapter 8

When Doubt Whispers "I Don't Have Anything Special To Offer"

This weeks chapter was a lot less depressing. It was about discovering your abilities and finding your spiritual gifts. Something I needed to do. Since going on disability last year due to my RA and Fibro, I have felt like I have nothing to offer.I just stay home and try to be a good wife and housekeeper, failing most days thanks to my illnesses.

In chapter 8 there is a listing and description of seven motivational gifts. I see myself in two of them, teaching and mercy. There is also a free Spiritual Gift Assessment that Renee provided for us to take. You can find it here if you want to take it.

According to the Spiritual Gift Assessment, I have the gift of Mercy. It is a gift where I can minister and have compassion for people who are suffering. Maybe because of what I have to deal with in my own illnesses that I have more compassion and empathy for those who are hurting. I enjoy becoming knowledgeable of my illnesses so that I can pass on that knowledge to others to help them understand what I go through or what they might go through.

One of today's blog hop topics is if money or time were not an issue, what would I like to do. Other than taking a few trips, one to Alaska, what I really want to do is buy some land and live on my own real homestead. I want to be able to make my garden much bigger, I want to have chickens, goats, rabbits and pigs. I basically want to live on a small scale farm. I am happy to stay in the same state or area that I am in currently, mostly because I love it here. That is my dream and thankfully it is also one that my husband shares with me.

To me, homesteading is a way of life. You can homestead anywhere. I live in a mobile home park in a single wide mobile home. I do have a nice sized back and side yard, so I am able to have a decent sized garden to raise my veggies. I am just not able to have all the animals that I want. We can not have any more outbuildings other than our small shed. This is why I call my blog the wannabe homesteader. Some people think that I can not homestead where I currently live.

A Confident Heart ~ Chapter 7 #IAmNot

Chapter 7 ~ When Doubt Whispers "I'm Such a Failure"


Have you ever called yourself a failure? I know I have, many times. Pretty much everyone that I know has at one time in their life.

As a teen mom, I always thought that I was a failure. It didn't help that I was in a relationship with someone who told me this daily either. I still call myself a failure in certain areas of my life, just not as often as I use to.

When I found out I was pregnant when I was just 16, I felt like I failed my parents. I didn't tell them right away either. I tried to hide my pregnancy from them. I was 4 months along when the father of my daughter had a conversation between him and his sister over heard by his aunt. His aunt, who hated me, called my dad and told him the news. Coming clean to him was very hard. He supported me and my decision to not abort. He found me a very nice doctor who sadly specialized in teen pregnancies.

As my daughter was growing up, I constantly felt like I was failing her. Like the time I found out her arm had been broken. She showed no signs and it was two weeks before I found out. The only reason I found out was because my daughter use to like putting her hand on the elevator doors of our apartment buildings elevator. Her arm got sucked in and swelled up like crazy. My dad and I took her to the ER when we found out that her arm was fine, but that it had been broken two weeks before. How could I have not known? I found out later how it broke. The lady who's daycare that she went to while I worked was a bit ruff with the kids. I showed up early one day to pick up my daughter when I saw this lady lift one of the kids up very fast and hard by just the hand. Needless to say, we found another daycare center to go to.

It took me a bit to stop feeling like a failure as a mother. It was not my fault my daughter broken her arm. I no longer feel like a failure for having her so young. Now I am able to talk to other teens about how hard it is as a single parent. Being a teen makes it even harder. I know that both my kids will wait till they are married to have their children because of hearing what I had to deal with and my daughter for actually living it. I know now that #IAmNot a failure as a parent.


Yesterday was my monthly visit for my infusion. It gave me the perfect opportunity to curl up with my book and read. My Fibromyalgia was bothering me really bad today, so the IV hurt a ton and I ached all over. While reading, the pain kinda went to the back of my mind and I was able to relax a little. Maybe I should read my Bible even more when I am in a lot of pain and my pills aren't working as well. Hmmmmm

A Confident Heart Chapter 6

When God whispers "I'm not good enough"


Wow, what an eye opening chapter. It reminded me of a lot of my past failed relationships. While I had not forgotten about the way I was treated and felt in these relationships, I had them pushed and hidden away because they hurt so much. I truly think that God wanted to work on those past hurts through this chapter.

One boyfriend made me feel like I was never thin enough. He would tell me that I needed to wrap my waist up in plastic wrap to help suck in my belly and burn the "fat" faster. At this time in my life I weighted 125 lbs. That is 20 lbs under weight. I was in a size 6. Of course now I am 30 lbs over weight, but I am happy and the hubby doesn't care about my weight. He knows he has to loose weight too.

Another boyfriend cheated on me for one year of our two year relationship. This hurt a ton. He made me feel like I was not good enough to be with or love. I kept wondering what I did to cause him to cheat. This relationship took a long time to get over. I know now that the problem was not with me but with him.

The relationship that has the most hurt and emotion to it is one that will never leave me. No, it is not with my husband. It is with my daughters father. We will always have a connection to each other through her. He also cheated on me. Again this opened up wounds and wonder of what I did wrong to deserve to be treated like that. He always made me feel worthless, not worthy of being a good mother or proper wife.

I remember this one time how he criticized me and the way I made tuna sandwiches. All I did was make them the way I have always made them growing up. But because the sandwich was not made "his way", it was gross and my fault for him not having something to eat for lunch that day. He even mentioned something along the lines of how do I expect to be a good and proper wife if I couldn't even make a good tuna sandwich. I know that this sounds like a little petty thing, but it was the start of a long emotional abuse. Every now and then when I talk to him, he still does it, but I just let it roll off my shoulders. I don't care because I am with someone who loves me and the way I am.

The thing that finally opened up my eyes to the way he was treating me is when I had a miscarriage. He didn't care at all. He was rather happy that this child would not be. It hurt to loose my baby before I even got to know him or her, but what hurt more is the way he treated me. I kept a journal at this time and wrote down every emotion I felt at that time. I found it a few years ago when we were moving up here to NH. I read it and then threw it away. I do believe that God took my child home to him because I was in a bad way and couldn't deal with another child at the time. I know I will see this child one day. I left him shortly after this and never looked back.

To this day, I am always wondering if I am being a good and proper wife. In fact just the other night, while I was buttering up some bread to go with the homemade chicken noodle soup I made, I told my husband that I am trying to be a good wife for him. He told me that I am doing a wonderful job. Of course this made me happy, but deep down inside, I still wonder if I am good enough.

For example, when my RA and Fibro flare up, I have a hard time doing anything. I will skip my shower because it wears me out so much that I need to take a nap after. I will skip doing the dishes because I can hardly hold a dish. Sometimes I will have the hubby bring supper home. Because of my auto immune diseases, I feel lazy and am ashamed that I did nothing around the house while my hubby worked so hard for our family. I feel like a failure as a wife.

Thankfully my husband is living up to the "through sickness and health" part of our vows. He knows I have my bad days, so he does what he can to support me. All he said he wants from me is a hot meal when he gets home from work. He doesn't care that I didn't pick up the living room or did the dishes. He wants me to rest and allow the flare to die down.


This weeks blog topic that I chose was to talk about what area of my life I struggle with the most and write myself a letter to remind myself that I am good enough. As you can tell from this post, that struggle is with being a good and proper wife. Writing this letter was very hard and took sometime to do.


My Dearest Heather,

I am here to remind you that God is always here for you. He wants you to use your past issues to help you to heal and learn from. You are worthy of being a proper wife and mother, and a person in general. You left these relationships for good reasons. God helped you to leave and supported you through them. He gave you your life partner to love you and respect you the way you deserve. He found your soul mate that will be with you through thick and thin. Continue to listen to him and you will have the life you deserve and know that no matter what, you are perfect just the way you are.


This week I had a little friend cuddling with me while I read. Abby is getting so big and sure does have a personality. She is my baby and keeps me on my toes with all the things she does. She is always helping me heal and when my joints are hurting, she tries her best to "heal" me. I woke up the other day with her on my left shoulder, purring away. That shoulder had been flaring for a few days. Either she knew it was hurting or she wanted a warm place to warm up. That shoulder sure was hot to the touch.

A Confident Heart Chapters 4 & 5

These chapters took me a while to get through. I am still not done with chapter 5 either. Lots of thinking has been going on about my past. After reading some of the other blogs for this weeks hop, it makes my past troubles seem so petty and stupid.

Chapter 4 was all about the pain we experienced in our past and chapter 5 is about moving beyond that pain.

I came from a broken home. My mother was never really around. My dad had health problems and was in and out of the hospital a bunch of times due to strokes and heart attacks and open heart surgery. I spent lots of time at a friends home. Thankfully they were very loving and had no problems with me practically living there.

I replaced the lack of a stable home life with sex. I always felt wanted during the act, but the relationships never lasted. I did end up pregnant at 16. It was a long hard time for me as a single mother with no help from my daughters father or my parents. Lots of my friend left me because I had a child and could not do the same things as them anymore. I continued to use sex as a way to feel wanted and loved until I met my husband. He was the only guy I didn't hop right into bed with.

I still look back at my teen years. I have moved past it, learned from it and use it as a teaching tool for other teens. I have grilled into my kids what happens when you have sex before you are ready and what life is like as a teen parent or a single parent.

Now, I look at my most recent issues. I have been struggling with  having Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. The pain is unbelievably bad at times. Right now I am in a lot of pain because I messed up and forgot to take my pain medication last night. I had to stop working because the pain was so great at times. I could never get comfortable sitting down or typing, both were required at my job. Not to mention the fatigue from both is crazy. Sometimes I literally sleep all day long.

Just recently I started to feel more like my normal old self. I have found a medication that works at relieving my RA symptoms. Pain medication has taken away most of the pain I feel. Yes, I am dependent on these medications to make me feel better for the rest of my life, but I am glad for them.

I have started to move past and accept who I am, even with my issues. I am learning a lot about my conditions so that I may pass on my knowledge and help others just starting out on this "adventure". I have been having less and less "why me" moments. This is still a work in progress, but I have been feeling better the more I move past my problems and move forward.

A Confident Heart ~ Chapter 3

This chapter took me a bit to get through. Not because it was boring or full of information, it just made me think and reflect on my past, a lot. I thought about all the times I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I used one thing and one thing only to get what I thought I wanted. Sex. I ended up pregnant at 16 and then again at 20. I lost my second pregnancy and over time, I see it as a sign from God to stop. I did for a little bit, but then went right back using my body to get "love" from my boyfriends. Thankfully I calmed down and then I met my husband. We have been together for 14 years now.

This weeks blog hop topic:

A Heart Surrendered To Christ

I shared on my blog why I came back to Christ, but never when. You can read about why here ~ My Journey.

I think shortly after my grandmother passed is when I felt the pull to come back to Christ. My grandmother is what I would call a Godly woman. I never saw her go to church or read her bible, but the way she lived her life showed it. It is the way I always wanted to be. I remember back growing up kneeling at the side of my bed every night doing my bedtime prayers with her. I remember if my grandfather took the Lords name in vain, my Meme (what I called her) would get very upset with him, but never yell at him, just spoke a bit louder.

My Meme only passed away a few months ago. I have had a hard time dealing with it. I was very close to her. I use to spend every weekend with her when I was growing up. When they moved down to Florida, I would spend every summer with her and my grandfather (Bumpa as I call him). I could talk to her about things that I could never talk to my parents about. I remember back when I got pregnant with my eldest. She was very supportive, but would always tell me to keep my legs closed. I thought it was funny, but I knew why she said it.

The day Meme passed was a hard day for me. We knew her time was coming, but it still hurt and still does hurt. It was then that I knew I needed Christ to help me get through her death. I started to pray more and think about where my life was at. I was not happy in the way my faith had been going. It wasn't until a week before her birthday that I finally really thought hard about my life and the way things were going.

The day before her birthday is when I gave my heart back to Christ. I have been a happier person since. I don't cry so much when I think about Meme, unless I hear a certain song my Carrie Underwood. That song is what I used in my memorial post to Meme. You can read it here ~ In Memory of Meme.

This week we had a little activity that we could do if we wanted. It is a "No Fail Pail". It is a container or pail filled with scripture that is meaningful to me as well as the scripture from Chapter 12. I do a ton of canning every year, so I always have canning jars around. I took a wide mouth quart sized jar, cut out a circle of some fabric that I used to cover some baskets in my bathroom and then filled my jar with scripture written on paper to match the fabric. When I need a little encouragement, I open my jar and start reading some of the scripture.

A Confident Heart ~ Chapters 1 & 2

As I was reading chapter one, all sorts of memories of lots of different times I had doubts kept running through my mind.

The first paragraph, in chapter one, reminded me a lot of myself. I always try to chicken out of going or doing something that is out of my comfort zone. If I have to take my son to a place that I have never been before, I tend to try to find a way to get out of driving him there. I always think that I will never get there without getting lost or something else happening.

While reading this chapter, only one thought came creeping into my mind. The devil is keeping me doubting myself. Now that I have turned back towards Christ, I find God showing me my errors and basically turning the light on to things. He made me see who was causing my doubting. Doubt is also making me sick. When I do over come a little bit of it, I feel sooo much better.When I read scripture makes me feel physically an mentally better.

At The Well ~ weekly blog hop topic

In chapter two, Renee's story had me nodding my head yes constantly. I can totally relate to it. I tell people all the time that I am doing okay even though I am not. I am in pain everyday, physically and emotionally, thanks to my RA and Fibro. I don't want to make others feel down or make them feel bad for me. I am afraid if I tell them how I truly feel, that they might not believe me, think that I am making up all my pain or that they will stop spending time or doing things with me. I am limited in what I can do, but I still push myself to do things. Most don't understand what it is like to live with RA and Fibro, unless they have it or another autoimmune disease. I have lost a few friends who I have told my true feelings to. I think that if they were true friends, they would still be around. I do have a couple of very close friends who have helped me out by either just listening while I pour my heart out or doing things for me that I can no longer do. Christ is one of those friends. There are times that I yell at him, cry and ask why he did this to me. I know he loves me and I was predestined to be this way, but I still blame him for it at times. It is during these times, that I look towards scripture to make the pain go away. It always helps. No pills needed for my emotional pain.

These scripture verses really helped me out this week:

" Then you will know that I am the Lord. Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." Isaiah 49:23

"See, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 49:19

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28

"All thing are possible to who believes" Mark 9:23

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him" Jeremiah 17:7


I want to end this post today by sharing a picture of me at my monthly infusion. Well, just my hand hooked up to the IV. This is one of the things I am to deal with. This is how I get one of my medications for my RA. As you can see, I brought my book, A Confident Heart. My nurse asked me what I was reading. I showed her and told her I was doing a Bible study on it with a bunch of "friends". She smiled and said it was nice that I had such a good group of friends. Granted I don't know any of you ladies outside the internet, but that is ok.

A Confident Heart Online Bible Study With P31

A couple of months ago, when I had  started on my path back to Christ, I came upon the Proverbs 31 website. They offer free online Bible studies, devotions, and a radio program. Seeing how I am not ready to attend church, after getting burned badly at my old church 20 years ago, doing something online sounded perfect.

When I found this site, the had already started a study, so I waited to do the next one. The study sounded perfect for me. I am constantly doubting everything in my life. My hubby calls me doom and gloom at times. Lovingly of course, but it still bugs me.

I got the book and flipped through it. I know it is perfect and will help me a lot. I can't wait till Sunday, when the study starts. Every week, there is a blog hop, so you will see me posting once a week about the study and the book.

Hope you will join me as I go through the book and help deal with my doubt. If you are doing the study and came here from the blog hop, welcome.

On to this weeks topic:

This is my very first Bible study of any kind. I signed up to help me to get closer to God and to help me deal with my issues. I am looking forward to the insight and help that the many readers and leaders will offer as well as what Christ opens up to me. I am also looking forward to making lots of new friends from all over the world.